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The Topic: I like monkeys


I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.

I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kind of like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from the bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't impro


  Crow T. Robot

Boy howdy, every time it works I'm glad for that text-cutoff feature we installed.

Tom Servo  

Did we install that?

  Crow T. Robot

Remember, we did that after we added the spoiler and beefed up the rear shocks.

Tom Servo  

Oh yeah, now I remember.

Man, we sure riced this site out.

  Crow T. Robot

Yeah. We can tow almost 4 tons now. And our displacement-to-weight ratio is phenomenal.

Tom Servo  

So we can haul around four of Bacon's cars?

  Crow T. Robot

Yeah, though only three if he's in one.

Tom Servo  

Yeah, lest we forget those recent ice cream binges.

  Crow T. Robot

Lest indeed.



I also like donuts.
In fact, tomorrow is Tuesday!

Tom Servo  

We like to call those 'fat pills'.

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